Oct.15th: As the days creep forward towards the day of Elise’s birthday, my agitation builds. We don’t have anything planned to commemorate it. We don’t know whether to spend it as a family, with just the two of us, whether to stay home or go somewhere, what kind of rituals, if any, we’ll hold.

I wonder whether I would feel less restless if I did make plans. But whenever I try to think about it, I draw a blank. Maybe I don’t want to think about it.

Which is strange, because I think about her every day, several times a day. She is constantly on my mind, if sometimes in the back, or hovering somewhere out of sight. If she’s always on my mind, why am I not thinking about ways to honor her and help us take the next step toward integrating her into our lives, however that’s supposed to feel?

Maybe I should give it some focused thought, because it seems like most our emotions associated with her are regretful, sorrowful, disillusioned, frustrated. Dan let out a moaning sigh last night: when he said he’d received his first e-mail from his new employers, I thought he was going to say they gave him a huge assignment, but the e-mail was announcing the birth of a fellow employee’s baby. I shopped for some birthday things for Felix the other day, and saw the little plastic tiaras and beads for other birthday girls, not mine. The last photo we have of me pregnant with Elise is with Felix on his 2nd birthday at his grandparents. His face is lit up with glee as he sits on my lap, and Dan and I have joy and anticipation in our smiles as all three of us gaze at the birthday cake before him.

We travel to the Bay Area to see some friends next week. After that, I’ll go to a retreat for women in Seattle with two of my sisters. I’m sure some ideas will come to me then. As always, I will practice patience with this journey.