Warmth in the Cold

Friday afternoon I weeded the front garden where Elise's rose bush is. There are only a few of her daffodils braving the erratic spring so far, but I'm always heartened when I spot another coming up. And they are brave: this morning it is 15 (15!) degrees out and snowing. On April 20th!

This morning I was lying in bed with one eye open, drifting in and out of dreams, when Felix came up to me in his blue footy pajamas. "I will hand you your glasses, Mommy," he said as he gripped them, lenses and all, with his oatmeal-sticky hands.

His face is right at eye level when I'm lying in bed. He pretended to be a spider and tickled my face by "crawling" his fingers up my cheeks. Then he decided my mouth was a fun toy: he wiggled his index finger on the inside of my cheek, fascinated by its smooth wetness. He giggled and giggled as I nibbled on his fingers with my front teeth like they were corn on the cob. He laughed as he pushed on my chin and the top of my head to close my mouth, then demanded I open up again.

Then he climbed up the bed and lay on my back like a baby koala. Our dog Ghenki, seeing he'd vacated her morning greeting spot next to the bed, came over and hopped her front paws on the edge. She licked and licked my hand, as she has always done and always will no matter how many times I say "no" (so I've almost given up after eight years), and I hugged her head to me and patted her back.

What a great way to wake up.

Lightness

This is a picture I took of Felix at the end of a Tuesday we spent together. He likes these rainbow-colored gloves because he can put them on all by himself. Before bedtime, he stood brushing his teeth with one rainbow hand while waving at the mirror with the other.

We have Tuesdays and Thursday afternoons together, and today I was determined to just enjoy him and not worry about meeting time deadlines. These days Felix gets really upset when it's time to stop playing--get off the swing, park the Thomas trains, stop riding his bike--so we can get to the store /make dinner /get ready for bed. Even if we warn him ahead of time, he still mourns in his high-pitched wail when the fun is ending.

I can't blame him. How much do we tell ourselves to enjoy the moment? So I pushed him on the swing today for well over an hour, then we bought him a new bike with training wheels, his first. He didn't ask for one. He just had such a ball trying out the next-door neighbor's, and loves riding his tricycle so much that he pedals all the way to the library and back, which I think is over 1/2 mile round trip, that we wanted to see him on a bicycle. He rode it over to the neighbors' and again we spent as much time having fun as he wanted.

It was soothing for me. I was able to rest my spinning mind just hanging out with him. I started reading Eckhart Tolle's Power of Now, and it really resounds with me. I still am figuring out how to have Elise as a part of my life without letting the pain of losing her define me. I know her death has changed me, and in many ways for the better. But I want to access the peace I know is in me, bring it to the surface again and have it always at hand, just like she is always with me in everything I do.

Thaw

The sun is out in brilliance this morning, melting the snow with a vengeance. Felix cheerfully put on his swimsuit and clothes for his swimming lesson this morning, even though he was absorbed in playing with his Thomas trains. Thank goodness for small favors.

Dan made me a wonderful birthday dinner with ribeye steak, mashed potatoes, asparagus (it's asparagus season!) and box brownies complete with a candle. I got e-mail birthday greetings, phone messages, and even a card from my sister Monica that arrived right on my birthday. She called this morning too.

Spring will come in its own time. This being Montana, more snow will fall in the coming weeks, but Elise's daffodils are poking their green spears through the mud.