Needs and Wants

I've thought about updating my blog numerous times during this past month-plus. But I think the reason I haven't is because we're preparing for another in-vitro fertilization attempt, and I'm scared it won't work. And I don't know what to do with that fear.

All I can do is live with it. I suppose it's the same as living with the pain of Elise's death: it's just always there, part of our lives, in the background of every passing moment. Like my breathing, I am not always even aware of it, and then it stirs me in some way and draws my awareness toward it. This fear, and my longing for another child, colors nearly every moment, whether I like it or not.

It's not as if I don't love my life. I don't go around moping or tense. Quite the opposite, actually. I truly feel at peace with my life and grateful for my beautiful sweet son, and my loving husband who understands me better than anyone and is the world's best listener.

But it does feel as if our lives are on hold, waiting for our child. Maybe he or she will never arrive. Yet our family seems incomplete. Not because one-child families seem incomplete to me, but because I myself have wanted two children since Elise lived inside me.

It's been two and a half years since she died, and I've been living with her absence as I always will. But on top of that is the longing, the seemingly endless longing for a second living child, a sibling for Felix.

I can live with the longing for Elise. I have accepted that she can never be with us here. But I am sick and tired of the unfulfilled longing for another baby. I wish I could make it go away. I'm TRYING to make it go away, in part by pursuing this IVF. But that might not be enough, if we're unsuccessful. And then comes more struggle. What will ease this longing, and how much longer will it take? Such are the ways my mind tightens its grip, with all these unanswerable questions about the future. Twice this week after yoga class, Chris read this famous passage from Dune. It seems meant for me:

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

I try not to live my life obsessing over this. I don't want to think that the success of this attempt is all resting on me and my body. That's too much pressure and also completely untrue. It will just happen the way it will. So I will acknowledge my fear and let it be my teacher.

"I may not always get what I want, so let me trust that I am getting what I need." So goes the prayer of a certain passage in my Pocketful of Miracles book. I am right where I am meant to be. This is true of every moment, good and bad. There is no right or wrong way to do this but live my life.